Ms_S
Hello all,
Firstly this may be a strange question to ask in this forum, but I want to ask people who are in the same shoes as I am, and I am a mother of one soon to be a mother of two (2nd girl due next week by c-section). So that's why I'm asking here.
So, although originally my whole family was due to fly out for the birth and visit with me (I live in Greece, my parents are in the UK working, and my brother, sister and partners are in Australia where I am from) my brother and his partner calls me 6 weeks ago (when I was 7.5m pregnant, and tells me they aren't coming because they really just cant afford it, they are getting married instead, they are cashing in the ticket for a honeymoon holiday credit and are getting married before the years end.
Now them not coming doesnt upset me apart from not having the opportunity to visit, they've already come out to visit twice for my first girl and my own wedding, so I absolutely understand. But the fact that they decide to get married whilst I am ready to drop, and schedule it barely after I would go in for my 6 week checkup... has just thrown me!
Now I am not asking whether its fair or not, I am one person out of many they have to consider and their own happiness is of course paramount. But I have decided not to go and I wonder if any of you would decide the same as me...?
My reasons for not going are as follows;
Travelling to Australia barely 2 months after a c-section, with a 2 month old baby and an unbelievably rambunctious, prone to tantrums, heavy with the 'terrible twos' 2 and a half year old.
Travelling without my husband (is on a strict job contract, holidays taken for the birth of the baby) even though my parents did offer to fly out from the UK to travel with my from Athens.
My parents only have 2weeks left of annual leave, having taken the other weeks earlier in the year, not knowing about the sudden wedding....so I would be going through such a journey for only 2 weeks.
Obviously my second born does not have a passport, and I would have to literally race around like crazy getting one as soon as I left the hospital to get it in time (there are no online applications in Greece and turn around times for public offices are insane, also I live on a Greek island and would have to travel back and forth to the next bigger and more populated island to put through papers in person)
My recovery for my first c-section was horrible, perhaps because it was an emergency c-section. I had nightmares, I was depressed, I felt like a failure. I didn't want to deal with all the people around me coming to congratulate me, I wanted them all to go away and just to be with my parents and my husband. I rolled out of bed for weeks, and my scar hurt for weeks when I accidently exerted the muscles in that area and smarted for months...say if my husband picked me up to hug me or if I lifted something too heavy. It was an physical and emotional rollercoaster. I know some women recover quickly and without too much of an issue....but it wasnt like that for me!
Lastly, it would all have to go on my credit card, all our money is gone on the new baby and the building of our new house. Now if it was just the money....it would not stop me from going, but it just adds another weight on my back since I have been a stay at home mother since I had my first.
Its breaking my heart not to go, but I thought atleast I could spend the next year to plan for a trip out next Winter when I will physically fit and the newborn will be a toddler and I could stay for a month or two and have saved all year for it. And there is a good chance my husband could come with me obviously have a years notice for his work commitments. Also seeing as my soon-to be sister in law has been desperate for kids forever, we might learn in the year that she is pregnant and plan our trip around the arrival!
What do you think ladies? Do you think my decision not to go is fair enough? I've been so torn up about it ever since they told me, had they decided to have it a few months later or atleast if I could have had a VBAC, I would probably have gone, but with all these obstacles, I thought that I just cant. I also just dont want to subject my new baby to it all, being so young and susceptible etc. And the wedding is a 3hr car drive from where we live in Sydney to boot.
sigh.....so what are your thoughts??
oh by the way..the travelling would be -
2hr ferry to the nearest island with airport alone
1hr flight to Athens, alone
5hr flight to Dubai, with parents
7hr flight to Singapore
7hr flight to Sydney
Answer
This is not a strange question for this forum at all. Of course you should NOT go. You are being very understanding and wise about their reason for not coming for to birth of your daughter and they should be just as understanding as to why you cant be there for their wedding. Under the circumstances it would be horrid for you to travel all that way. I agree with you totally.
This is not a strange question for this forum at all. Of course you should NOT go. You are being very understanding and wise about their reason for not coming for to birth of your daughter and they should be just as understanding as to why you cant be there for their wedding. Under the circumstances it would be horrid for you to travel all that way. I agree with you totally.
Caregiver To Mom Feels Taken Advantage Of?
Vaness
I am a 24/7 caregiver to my 76 yr-old mom who has Parkinson's. I am 52 and an STNA. Been taking care of her going into fifth year now. I feel worn out & resentful that my brother makes 6 figures/he and his wife are free to vaca/do as they please while my life and income are severely restricted. I cut my hours at my regular home care job making only $6,000 a year. My Mom pays my health ins. but there is only about $100 leftover per month after that is paid. I do everything for her A-Z...plus yardwork/weedeating 10 acres of property/hers and my place nextdoor. My brother is POA and says I cannot have any extra money for my hard work due to the 'Medicaid lookback rule' which means if she goes to a facility in future,,Medicaid takes her cash/home/can ask for money back which was gifted out to others up to last 5 years. That burns me up because I work so hard and am there 24/7. We are up every morning @ 4AM to get her ready/then girl sits with her until I return from my AM job. The girls who sit for her make way more than I do..and do nothing much but escort her to the restroom~!.......I have put up with her 'passout' spells she gets with her Parkinsons..some have been before i head off to work in Am/picked her dead weight off floor as her laxative kicked in/had whole house to clean plus her/cleaned every bodily fluid head to toe when she gets her ill spells/including wetting herself during PMs in bed up to her shoulderblades after her last recent fall. In the past, my brother even got snarky with me several times over the phone/in person because I was 'tired' and according to him 'needed to keep an upbeat attitude'; I had NICELY explained to him I had been up all throughout nights with Mom/was DEAD TIRED and did not have much of interest to chat about. People just don't get it....unless they caregive themselves. I have no life besides Mom/yardwork/my job in AMs/sleeping. I am exhausted and go to bed before 7PM. I have a first granddaughter but rarely see her due to being tied to Mom. My brother & wife get to see my granddaughter more than I do; my sis-in-law even BRAGS about being able to see her ANYTIME SHE WANTS TO..right in front of me. They will be attending her first Birthday party in another town while I stay home with Mom. Anytime Mom seems better and I think about venturing out to try a tiny project/seem to be getting a little 'freedom' to lift my spirits,,she falls again or gets ill. My brother asked me to care for her years back after she broke her hip because according to him 'I don't do anything that exciting anyhow.' He has an executive job/travels/feels his life is more important than mine I guess. If she goes into a nursing home, we will lose all her cash/her home anyways; all my work will have not saved a thing. I love her yes, but tired of feeling trapped financially & socially. She only wants me helping her and to stay at her home, because all of her things are here. We miss out on all holidays. I feel like the family doormat. Am I wrong to feel depressed, moody, and unjustly imprisoned~?
Answer
Hi Brenda. It is so common to feel like this and so very hard not to feel like this. I am in the UK so do not know what carer's support there is where you are. Over here we have services which try to give carers a break or have meetings where everyone has a good moan and feels better for knowing others are going through the same thing and feel the same way. Yes, your brother is being very insensitive. It is quite common for carers to get depressed and even sometimes to start being abusive. I am sure you will not harm your mother but I bet you can see how sometimes people lose it completely and do lash out at the person? Remember being a mother to a toddler and feeling desperate for some time to yourself? It is so much worse when it is an elderly person because you do not have the fun and rewarding bits. I am an ex nurse and a carer for the elderly and I also looked after my sister in law when she had such severe post natal depression she turned into a statue - this was only a few months but I felt I was losing my mind.
I think you need to be selfish and think what you need. This is not what you want but what you need - you have a right to a life. Talk to your brother and mother about the options. Say you must have time to yourself and they can either agree to all help pay for some regular help so you can get out a few times a week, a carer so you at least do not have to do all the personal care yourself, a day centre so you have a whole day to yourself or your mother will have to go into a home where they have carers swapping shifts every 8 hours because it is a FACT that no-one can cope with doing this 24/7. You may feel guilty and that everyone will blame you and be unsympathetic but this is better than you becoming depressed and being unable to care for your mother or yourself. :)
Hi Brenda. It is so common to feel like this and so very hard not to feel like this. I am in the UK so do not know what carer's support there is where you are. Over here we have services which try to give carers a break or have meetings where everyone has a good moan and feels better for knowing others are going through the same thing and feel the same way. Yes, your brother is being very insensitive. It is quite common for carers to get depressed and even sometimes to start being abusive. I am sure you will not harm your mother but I bet you can see how sometimes people lose it completely and do lash out at the person? Remember being a mother to a toddler and feeling desperate for some time to yourself? It is so much worse when it is an elderly person because you do not have the fun and rewarding bits. I am an ex nurse and a carer for the elderly and I also looked after my sister in law when she had such severe post natal depression she turned into a statue - this was only a few months but I felt I was losing my mind.
I think you need to be selfish and think what you need. This is not what you want but what you need - you have a right to a life. Talk to your brother and mother about the options. Say you must have time to yourself and they can either agree to all help pay for some regular help so you can get out a few times a week, a carer so you at least do not have to do all the personal care yourself, a day centre so you have a whole day to yourself or your mother will have to go into a home where they have carers swapping shifts every 8 hours because it is a FACT that no-one can cope with doing this 24/7. You may feel guilty and that everyone will blame you and be unsympathetic but this is better than you becoming depressed and being unable to care for your mother or yourself. :)
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